My Co-Workers Are Killin Me

It's funny how we all remember things differently.

About this time last year, 

I was ending things with a long-time love.

Something I'm trying not to think about

but it was just brought up to me.

Fun/surprising fact about me: I'm not a sharer. 

Especially at work.

Why would I tell my co-workers about my heart-break?

It was one of the most painful & depressing points in my life -

 no one actually wants to hear about that.

Including co-workers. Even though they are pretty nosey...

So, it was bound to happen.

And it happened at a department lunch.

Because that's the best time to tell people news like that.

Right?

There were about six of us sitting at a sushi restaurant,

 talking about our boss who just announced she was leaving.

Someone either asked if anything else big was happening

or asked about my relationship.

I guess I've blocked it out of my mind or my

memory really does suck that much.

Either way, I said,

"Oh yeah, we broke up."

Very nonchalant. 

Like it was NBD.

That's when everyone freaked.

Especially the guy next to me who

always knew everything before everyone else.

Except this.

That reaction at least gave me a good laugh.

I try not to think about this time last year

but a lovely co-worker reminded me of it today.

"Just reminiscing about last year. We were talking about

my bday lunch."

As soon as he said that, I knew where he was going

and what he wanted to say.

"Remember when you dropped that bomb on us?!"

He didn't actually say that last part

but I called him out for bringing up a horrible

time in my life.

To which he asked about my current boyfriend.

Oh co-workers.

And even though this co-worker likes to torture me

with the ridiculousness of my past, 

they all really helped me get through a shitty life patch.

I'm lucky to say my department consists of

good friends - not just people I have to talk to.

So, thank you.

And I'm Back

I realized - 

I've been really fucking depressing lately.

As far as blog posts go…

I use to have such funny experiences.

Ridiculous dates.

Embarrassing stories.

And then I went and fell in love.

And got my heart broken.

And become a depressing ass person.

I'm sorry.

But also, not sorry.

As boring as these last few posts probably were to read, 

I did hear feedback from ladies

going through the same thing that could relate.

So, at least two people appreciated

my downfall of words.

But now I'm back

(kinda)

and ready to finally write in my blog.

But it's not just relation-shits anymore.

For now.

I've moved to Colorado

and currently learning how to 

make friends.

Which feels more like hitting on people…

mainly girls.

My life is ridiculous.

But it feels good to blog again and I'm ready to let it out

because "do you know what happens to people

who keep it all inside?

They get old, they get sad and they get weird."

Thank you Jess.

The One Who Turned Me Around

Well, that escalated quickly…

If you've read my last few blog posts, 
you would think I'm the most depressing,
sad, lost in this world, female around.

And I was.
Was being the key word there.

It's fascinating how you can feel like
nothing will get better. That you have to run away
to get away from all of the negative feelings.
And convince yourself that you will never find someone again.

How can our minds or hearts trick us so much
into thinking that one moment of heart break
is the end of the world?

A cruel, cruel trick…
but maybe it's what we need
to appreciate what comes along next.
And to realize we deserve better.

I didn't think my "next" would show up
beyond my failed online dates.
More on that later, of course…

And I definitely did not think my "next"
would show up in Vegas.
Being someone I technically already knew.

Thanks to a dear friends surprise birthday party,
I met someone pretty cool.

I wasn't planning on going because I was still down.
But my friend is probably the greatest person
in the world, so I said yes last minute.

One of the guys attending caught my eye.
Not because I just thought he was cute but
because he looked familiar.

Turns out we went to high school together!
I try to branch out of my home town guys
but they keep reeling me back in…

Well, we hit it off through our similar sense of humor,
Vegas gambling problems & great looks. 
Obvi.

While we hit it off, neither of us had guts
to ask if the other was single. 
Until one of us had a littttttle too much to drink…

For our final night, the nine of us went clubbing.
That's were my boy went a tad overboard on the booze.
But thank goodness he did!

"So, can I take you out on a date?"
"Sure!"

5 minutes later.

"So, can I take you out on a date?"
"Ummm sure…"

5 minutes later.

"Can I take you on a date?"
"Ask me one more time and I'm going to say no!"

He finally stopped asking but then I thought,
what if he doesn't even remember this?!

Thankfully the next day he asked 
when I was free for our date.

Which ended up to be his dad's birthday dinner.
Yes, on our 1st date I met his entire family.
But I'll leave that for another post…

It's been a few months since our Vegas meeting
and I still like having him around.

Of course I put up major walls in the beginning,
even pushing him away by saying
"I don't want a boyfriend out of this."

Why? 
Because I wasn't over the last one at the time.
And I was afraid of getting hurt again.
Heck, I'm still afraid.

He is sweet, a gentleman, hilarious, handsome and 
doesn't make me feel like I have to be anyone else.

Something I didn't think I'd find again so soon.

But, he's also guy still figuring out his life
and sometimes you have to do that
without worrying about how someone else will fit in.

Who knows where this will end up
or how long it will last, but right now 
I love having someone to share experiences with,
who takes the time to make time.

He's already shown me that I can get past the bad.
He turned everything around for me,
which he probably does not even realize, 
and I will forever be thankful for that.

So, it will get better.
Things will turn around.

It just takes some rock bottom moments
to help you realize that there is so much good waiting for you
once you realize that you're worth it all.

The One Who's Not Normal

Like I said, dating makes me cringe.
And after coming out of a pretty long/significant relationship,
(now relation-shit)
I really have zero desire to date.

I'm just not ready.
But I think someone once said
"face your fears!"
and "don't hold yourselves back!"

So, I went for it.
I went on a "date"
Eh, I'd rather call it a meeting.
That involved one alcoholic beverage.

But I should have listened to myself.
I should have held myself back.
Because I was just called "not normal" on a 1st date.

Yes, not normal.

I pride myself on not being like other people.
I'm awkward. I'm sarcastic in the best way possible.
I'm a goofball that has somewhat social anxiety.

Obviously the perfect person to go on a date with.

And he apparently picked up on that.
Even though he could not pin point which
box of society I fit into -
which I told him that I'm too progressive
and unique for that.

Either way, he still tried to fit me in a box 
up until the bill came.

Focus - the reason I'm not normal is
because I "go with the flow."
He obviously does not know me very well.

I think I just knew there would be no second date
so I didn't care enough to be nervous.

He was a nice guy,
minus trying to define me,
but I don't think I can have feelings for anyone yet.

I know, oh woah is me.
So depressing.
But hey, give a girl a break.

No one likes seeing an ex with a new flame
all over Facebook
or know that this is the end of something
you held onto for so long.

I'm sad and I think that's okay.
At least for right now.

Life is beautiful and we get distracted by
small things we have no control over.

I've been lucky to find amazing people throughout my life.
Some are gone, some I've lost touch with
and some I've had a falling out with.

But they've all played a significant part and they've 
shaped things in my life, whether I realize or not.

We are all just trying to figure this world out
and sometimes it's not what you thought it would be,
even with the best, most thought out plans.

But everything happens for a reason.
Things will get easier.
I doubt I will ever enjoy dating
because it's just so awkward.

Or maybe I'm just awkward.

Until then, I'm going to focus on celebrating
25 wonderfully, ridiculous years of my life!

Ali's 25th Great Gatsby Bash here I come!

I love Leo...

The One Who Met Julie

Friends.
Can't live with them.
Can't imagine life without them.

Unless they are an ex.
Then maybe you could live without them.
Or at least without being Facebook friends.
You know, real friendship status.

The other kind of "Friends" I love
can be found on Netflix starting Jan 1st.

Well, there's a "Friends" episode 
where Rachel finally realizes she loves Ross.

Took her long enough…

Ross is coming back from China 
and Rachel decides to meet him at the airport 
to confess her love.

She sees him getting off the plane 
but there's a girl with him.

Julie.

Turns out Ross met someone. 
In China. 
And brought her back.

Rachel, obviously blind sided, 
gives one of the best lines I've heard from the show -

"Isn't that just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic?!"

Welcome to my life.

Yes, I actually got to say that line recently.

Why?

Oh, because my Ross found his Julie in China.

And they are now FBO. 

Yes, even the profile picture.

So, this makes me Rachel.

The girl who told him to go to China.

The one who thought it would work out when he came home.

Well, surprise!

We have a Julie.

I thought I was okay.

I thought I accepted that he met someone.

At least that's what my last blog post said.

Turn's out, 

I'm not okay.

You really don't realize how much someone means to you 

until they leave. And right now, I feel like I have nothing.

I lost my person.

My best friend.

My second family.

And now, a month after we decided to take some time apart,

after building something for seven years,

he's already found his Julie.

Someone he would rather talk to about life.

Share experiences with.

Be around and care about

It only took him a month.

And everyone who has reached out says,

"Go out and find someone better" 

"You should just Tinder."

Yeah, no.

I can't even imagine going on a date with someone.

It actually makes me cringe.

The definition of moving on should not be finding someone new.

It should be learning to love yourself 

without having someone there for you.

And that's what I'm trying to do.

Love myself and tell myself that I would need 

a hell of a lot longer than one month to get over this.

Because I do wear my heart on my sleeve.

I may be dead inside but I care so much about other people

that I would rather them be happy than me.

Thus, why I could never say anything bad about my Ross.

Yes, he broke my heart. 

To a point where I just feel nothing but pain.

I'm hurt that he could ever make me feel this way

because I thought it wasn't possible.

Because if someone truly cares about you, how could they do this?

How could they make you feel like nothing?

Like it was so easy for them to move on from you?

I honestly don't know or understand.

I'm still searching for answers.

I'm trying to focus on myself, family and friends

but of course with the holiday's creeping up on us

all I think about is the past.

It's like I'm morning the loss of someone,

which is really pathetic.

He's alive.

He's just living his life with someone else now.

His Julie.

Fucking Julie…