The One Who Humped My Car

I mean, at least it wasn't me...

You guessed it!

Alcohol was involved with this one.

But when is alcohol not involved in Relation-Shits?

The humping began earlier that night

at a popular piano bar called Howl at the Moon.

It was our friends birthday, the drinks were flowing,

the music was bumping and I was DD...

It really turned out to be the best thing

because I remember EVERYTHING

that everyone didn't want to.

And when I say everyone, 

I mean one person.

The Humper.

It began with buckets full of hard alcohol

and a chair.

The poor chair.

He just started humping it to the beat of the music.

Then he picked it up and started humping it more.

And then security had to step in and

ask him nicely to stop humping the chair.

But that wasn't the end of it.

The One Without Boundaries

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

This particular one involves my younger brother,
who has not learned the meaning of personal space or boundaries. 

So I guess with this situation it is a sibling-shit,

and when I say shit, I mean literally... 

I was brushing my teeth in our shared bathroom

and my brother walks in.

Pulls down his pants, 

And sits on the toilet. 

Tooth brush still in mouth I yell,   

"Are you taking a shit while I am in here brushing my teeth?!?!" 

My brother: 

"Yes, now can you please get out so I can have some privacy?" 

"What the hell?!?! That's disgusting! I'm brushing my teeth!" 

"Well you should have thought about doing that after I was done..." 

Trying to run out of the death trap as fast as I could,  

I ran to my room to tell my friend what just happened to me. 

Her response,

"Man I'm glad I don't have to live here..."

This is my life. 

A brother I have to live with who does not 

give a shit about my personal bubble.

Anyone looking for a roommate?

The One Who Made Out With My Forehead

This may be a little late...BUTTTT
FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

Yes, the title explains it all.

No, I did not see it coming.

Yes, alcohol was involved (on his part).

And no, that was not the only ridiculous thing he did that night.

Let me tell you a little about my friend- 

He is far from a ladies man but somehow he manages to get 

with a new girl at every party... 

Strange, I know. 
Boggles my mind.

Unfortunately for me, there were no single girls at 
my roommates 21st Birthday Bash. 

That left me as his target...

Ridiculous Moment #1:

Friend: "Ali, I'm going to talk to you about random things to

distract you from when I do this-" 

The One Who Could Not Stop Himself

There is something I have noticed about the dating game  

that reminds me a little too much of Chandler from Friends-

First, just watch this video to better understand what I'm talking about:

"Well this is great. I'll give you a call. We should do it again sometime."

"Are you going to call her?!"

"No!"

"I am weak and pathetic and I'm sorry!"

Here's the thing guys 

(and girls because lesbihonest, we do it too), 

if you don't plan on actually following through with what you're telling someone, 

DON'T SAY IT TO THEM!

You're just trying to be nice and we don't deserve that.

I have met a lot of guys who 

experience this thing called word vomit.

They don't think in the moment and they just say what they think you want to hear.

Here's the truth: 

I will not be hurt if you don't invite me to hang out with you,

but no one wants to be told you're interested in going on a date 

with them when you really have no intention of following through with it. 

Just be honest.

Don't lead anyone on and 

if you're not going to call them, don't tell them you will!

Thank you Friends for once again teaching us a valuable life lesson...

The One Who Ruined The First Date

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

Ever been shit-faced on a first date?

No? 
Well that makes one of us...

Who does that?! 

I mean really, why would you show your drunk ass bitch side
in front of a potential second date? 

Well, unfortunately I'm not as smart as I look,

(it's the glasses, I know, they're deceiving) 

and I had a little too much "fun" on a date a friend set me up on.

So this is how the story goes- 
My friend and his wife had the great idea to set me up with their friend 

because my love life basically consisted of relation-shits.

Advice for a first date:
Don't go to a beer festival followed by three bars. 

Drinking too much on the first date may cause you to do things 
you regret the next day. 

Just saying.