The One Who Humped My Car

I mean, at least it wasn't me...

You guessed it!

Alcohol was involved with this one.

But when is alcohol not involved in Relation-Shits?

The humping began earlier that night

at a popular piano bar called Howl at the Moon.

It was our friends birthday, the drinks were flowing,

the music was bumping and I was DD...

It really turned out to be the best thing

because I remember EVERYTHING

that everyone didn't want to.

And when I say everyone, 

I mean one person.

The Humper.

It began with buckets full of hard alcohol

and a chair.

The poor chair.

He just started humping it to the beat of the music.

Then he picked it up and started humping it more.

And then security had to step in and

ask him nicely to stop humping the chair.

But that wasn't the end of it.

The One Without Boundaries

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

This particular one involves my younger brother,
who has not learned the meaning of personal space or boundaries. 

So I guess with this situation it is a sibling-shit,

and when I say shit, I mean literally... 

I was brushing my teeth in our shared bathroom

and my brother walks in.

Pulls down his pants, 

And sits on the toilet. 

Tooth brush still in mouth I yell,   

"Are you taking a shit while I am in here brushing my teeth?!?!" 

My brother: 

"Yes, now can you please get out so I can have some privacy?" 

"What the hell?!?! That's disgusting! I'm brushing my teeth!" 

"Well you should have thought about doing that after I was done..." 

Trying to run out of the death trap as fast as I could,  

I ran to my room to tell my friend what just happened to me. 

Her response,

"Man I'm glad I don't have to live here..."

This is my life. 

A brother I have to live with who does not 

give a shit about my personal bubble.

Anyone looking for a roommate?

The One Who Made Out With My Forehead

This may be a little late...BUTTTT
FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

Yes, the title explains it all.

No, I did not see it coming.

Yes, alcohol was involved (on his part).

And no, that was not the only ridiculous thing he did that night.

Let me tell you a little about my friend- 

He is far from a ladies man but somehow he manages to get 

with a new girl at every party... 

Strange, I know. 
Boggles my mind.

Unfortunately for me, there were no single girls at 
my roommates 21st Birthday Bash. 

That left me as his target...

Ridiculous Moment #1:

Friend: "Ali, I'm going to talk to you about random things to

distract you from when I do this-" 

The One Who Could Not Stop Himself

There is something I have noticed about the dating game  

that reminds me a little too much of Chandler from Friends-

First, just watch this video to better understand what I'm talking about:

"Well this is great. I'll give you a call. We should do it again sometime."

"Are you going to call her?!"

"No!"

"I am weak and pathetic and I'm sorry!"

Here's the thing guys 

(and girls because lesbihonest, we do it too), 

if you don't plan on actually following through with what you're telling someone, 

DON'T SAY IT TO THEM!

You're just trying to be nice and we don't deserve that.

I have met a lot of guys who 

experience this thing called word vomit.

They don't think in the moment and they just say what they think you want to hear.

Here's the truth: 

I will not be hurt if you don't invite me to hang out with you,

but no one wants to be told you're interested in going on a date 

with them when you really have no intention of following through with it. 

Just be honest.

Don't lead anyone on and 

if you're not going to call them, don't tell them you will!

Thank you Friends for once again teaching us a valuable life lesson...

The One Who Ruined The First Date

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

Ever been shit-faced on a first date?

No? 
Well that makes one of us...

Who does that?! 

I mean really, why would you show your drunk ass bitch side
in front of a potential second date? 

Well, unfortunately I'm not as smart as I look,

(it's the glasses, I know, they're deceiving) 

and I had a little too much "fun" on a date a friend set me up on.

So this is how the story goes- 
My friend and his wife had the great idea to set me up with their friend 

because my love life basically consisted of relation-shits.

Advice for a first date:
Don't go to a beer festival followed by three bars. 

Drinking too much on the first date may cause you to do things 
you regret the next day. 

Just saying.

The One Who Was A Bitch

Don't worry, I'm not talking about you...

I'm talking about me!

I'll admit it. 

I can be a bitch sometimes. 

I think everyone has their moments and their breaking points, 
but not everyone is willing to accept it and say 
"Hey, I'm being a bitch."

So here I am, 
letting you all know- 
I'm a bitch.

But I am so much more than that...
and I think Meredith Brooks said it best-

The One Who Kidnapped Me

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

At my college, we have the ever so wonderful ratio of 

70% female and 30% male students. 

Being the straight female that I am, 
it leaves little wiggle room in my dating pool.

But luck was on my side last year when I found myself a man, 
I mean a boy...

I admired him from afar in my Philosophy class and 

thanks to my charming personality, he was doing the same. 

We all know what the next step is after determining there's a spark.
 You make the friendship Facebook official!

This all basically lead up to our first date. 

Make that our ONLY date. 

The One Who Broke Up With Song Lyrics

That awkward moment when you use a song lyric as a break up line

and they notice few weeks later when they hear the song on the radio...

If you had one shot, or one opportunity
to seize a break up and make it everything you ever wanted,
would you capture it or just let it slip?

Yup, my embarrassing nature strikes again!

Well, this was about two years ago but none the less, 

I think about it every time I hear the song and have a good laugh.

Back when Adele was just gaining popularity and hitting the main stream, 

I was ending a relationship with someone.
Ok, fine. They were ending it with me.
Happy?

Perfect timing though because

"Someone Like You" just came out and it spoke to me-

Thank you Adele for lyrically describing what we were all feeling.

Of course after being struck by Adele's raw lyrics,

I knew this was how I needed to express myself

when my guy and I had our final good-bye talk...

"You know, sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it just hurts instead."

I felt like a boss with my ever so thought provoking words,

which I knew he would never connect because he was an iPod man

and never listened to the radio.

And he agreed with me!

Score! 

That is until I got a text from him a few weeks later...

"So I was listening to the radio...did you take that line from a song?"