The One Who WAS Single

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

Not too long ago I wrote a blog about my brother 
joining the single world. 

Finally, I had another person to understand me during family events 

because every person in my family has a significant other.

A few weekends ago, my family traveled to 
wonderfully secluded Bishop, CA. 

My Uncle, not having a Facebook, 
thus not keeping up to date on the family gossip,
was not aware of my brothers recent breakup-

The One On Facebook

Moving on.

Easier said than done.
Let me tell you.

Like most, I have had my fair share of
relationships gone right
and relationships gone wrong.

I like to think all those gone wrong, 
I've moved on from.
WHAT A FOOL!

The One With The Breakup Gift

What would you do if you bought an expensive gift for a significant other

but broke up before you could give it to them?

This is a situation my cousin is dealing with right now.
Here is a basic background:

They started dating.
He moved to Texas.
My cousin stayed in California.
They broke up.

That's pretty much it.
Except, before they broke up, he bought her 
a pair of her dream Uggs.

Weird, I know.
Who still wears Uggs?!

Anyways, he bought them for Christmas
and she thinks he should still give them to her even though
they broke up because he bought them when they were together.

So, what's the protocol when it comes to pre-breakup gifts?

Does the person still deserve to get it?
Does it matter if they broke up with you
or if you broke up with them?
Should anyone still be wearing Uggs in California?

The One Who Wanted A Sugar Baby

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

Time for another round of online dating 

"Did he really just message me that?!"

Yes, I am still participating in online dating shenanigans,

but I'm not as deticated as I used to be. 

It's just so much work to create compelling conversations via messaging, 

plus first dates make me want to puke.

But, I'm young, I'm figuring out my life and 

I'm ready to make awkward choices with my dating adventures. 

Why stop now? Right?

Once again I began the search for my online dating Prince Charming

and I ran into some interesting contenders... 

The One Who Likes Smart

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

 It's been about 2 months of online dating, 
give or take, 

and I have survived four dates thus far.

They have consisted of beer, coffee, coffee, and coffee.

As well as admitting to an emotional side... 

Now, I am all for guys opening up and expressing their emotions, 

but when it comes to movies, 
maybe don't admit on the 1st date that you cried more in 
Les Misérables than your sister.

I appreciate the honesty 
BUT I also appreciate some mystery in a date.

And while overall it went well and he was a great guy,

I also just got a few new messages in my inbox and

I mean, when I get a message like this, 

how could I not want to meet up with this guy?!

"Hey girl hey. I am a shirtless buff guy who likes glasses and names that start with the letter A (because it's first)."

What a charmer...and shirtless? 

Hell yeah!
Plus, it sounds like I am his perfect girl.

Now for his profile- What he is looking for:

"A 6'4 Amazon woman capable of crushing my body 
whilst in the throes of an erotic experience. 

Or smart. I like smart."

I mean, I think I qualify for one of those.

So, he's saying there's a chance...

Gobble Till You Wobble!

Today, I am thankful for Relation-Shits.

Yes, that's right.

Relation-Shits.

They have taught me about myself, 

the type of relationship I am looking for,

the type of people I don't need in my life

and the friends that really have my back.

Shitty at times

but worth it in the end.

Oh yeah, 

and I'm also thankful for

family, friends, my job, food on my table and Leo.

Dicaprio.

What are you thankful for this year?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

AND every Thanksgiving episode of FRIENDS...

The One Who Pulled The Naked Man

FLASHBACK FRIDAY

The Naked Man.
An urban legend to most 
but for those lucky few, 
an experience they will never forget.

For those of you who don't watch "How I Met Your Mother", 

The Naked Man has been a long argued attempt to getting some action. 

That argument being
whether or not it actually works.

Here is a short clip from "How I Met Your Mother"
 to give you a better idea of the act that is The Naked Man...

The One Who Left Too Soon

Relation-shits are not just about dates gone wrong
or funny roommate problems
or brothers that shit in front of you.

They are also about finding love
and unfortunately, experiencing loss.

The One Who Was Not My Superman

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

When a guy calls you Lois Lane, 
grabs your hand to runs it down his wash board abs 

and makes you check out his intense arm muscles, 
just walk away...

Yes, of course I experienced this a few nights ago and 

was once again thrown under the bus. 

My guy friend was witness to all of this and did nothing! 

Instead he just laughed and said- 

"Yeah you are Lois Lane!"

To which I replied and a snarky manor,

"But you are not my Superman!"

MISTAKE!!

Thank You For Your Service

Today, I skip the relation-shit stories &

think about how thankful I am for our country's veterans.

THANK YOU.

"As we express our gratitude, 

we must never forget that the highest appreciation

is not to utter words,

but to live by them."

- John F. Kennedy

The One Who Left Me On A Curb

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

Once again, I have encountered another relation-shit.

How they keep finding me, I have no idea. 

But hey, at least it makes for good stories. 

Am I right?

It all started while I was visiting a friend in Northern California. 

I met (what I thought) was the "perfect guy." 

An anti-relation-shit. 

Someone who would break the trend I am so good at following.

We hit it off after we realized our mutual love and obsession for Eminem

(the rapper, not the candy),

and we knew we would get along just fine.

Plus he was not horrible to look at and had my same sarcastic humor.
The kind most guys just can't keep up with.

So while my friend was at work, this boy was nice enough to hang out with me. 

We went to the local dairy farm and got some ice cream. 

So far so good with this one,
but then he gets a call from his ex...

The One With Dating Advice

Everyone has some type of advice about relationships...

but most of them suck.

I'll be honest, 

I rant on here about my life experiences in hopes 
that someone will relate to my pain.

Chances are, it's nothing like your life.

I recently went to lunch with an old friend

and she is probably the one person that has relation-shits like me.

Maybe even more often/worse.

In the best way possible of course.

She was given some great dating advice,

so I thought I would share this rare wisdom with you all-

The One Who Wanted To Be Blogged

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

The other night I ventured out to the bars.

So while in one of the bars, a member of my class approached me,
slightly very wasted

and told me he wanted to be in my blog.

Boy: "Can I take you out on a date and then you can write about it in your blog?!"

Me: "What?"

"Your blog is one of the blog's I actually read each week!"

 "Thank you but why would you want to go on a date and 

hope it's a good Relation-Shit story?"

"I'll take you out to Chili's and buy you a margarita!"

When someone asks you out on a date
so they can end up in a Relation-Shit blog, 

you can only imagine what kind of date it will be...

It's Just A Bunch Of Hocus Pocus...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Have fun, be safe and never trust a stranger offering 

you a free ride in a limo at 1AM...

Cheers!

The One Who Was My First...[Boyfriend]

Let's talk about my 1st "boyfriend"

and I use that term very loosely.

This is like, middle school status boyfriend.

And back in my day, that meant it was really nothing.

No kissing. No sleepovers. 

No Facebook to make the relationship official.

So basically, I don't really count it in my line up of past flames

but it's still a great foreshadowing of my love life...

Anyways, this dates back to 2004 (I think).

8th grade (I think).

And we met thorough mutual friends (I think).

It's been a while, give me a break.

The One Who Bailed On Formal

FLASHBACK FRIDAY

Ok, when I say ONE I really mean FIVE...
In honor of formal season coming up- take note.

Being in a sorority has its perks, 
like being able to go to formals again.

While they are the highlight of the year, 

they come with some damn stressful situations. 

Like, oh I don't know,
 finding a date!

I have learned a lot through this recent formal season,
 especially when it comes to reserving a date...

Yeah, reserving one because apparently once you hit "adulthood"
no one can make a commitment to being your date like in High School.

Here are some things I have learned through this process 
that those attending formal might want to look out for-

Five People To Avoid Asking To Formal:

1. If they have to ask their mother, 
chances are they cannot attend...

2. If the first thing they ask you is if they will be spending the night, 
chances are they will be groping you all night...

3. If they hesitate when you bring up the idea of formal, 
chances are it's not their scene...

The One Who Said Thank You

Thank you cards are great.

Especially when they provide you with a backhanded thank you.

Enter- my brother...

He recently came across this whole thank you card thing.

Only took him 22 years

and we were al lucky enough to receive

these beautiful cards after his birthday this year.

The thing with my brother though

is that he can't just write a sweet, nice and thoughtful card.

No.

It has to be backhanded in someway, shape or form.

At least with my card...

The One With The Best Pick Up Line

FLASHBACK FRIDAY

Location: Small town bar. 

Targets: Me and my roommate.

Pickup Line: One for the record books-

Sitting at a table drinking some beers,
my roommate and I were approach by a cute boy.

Thinking he will pull the usually
"Do you go to school around here" line, 

we were not mentally prepared for the direction it went.

Boy: "Hey ladies! So who are you going to vote for in the 2012 elections?"

With confused,
"I am not sure where this came from" looks on our faces, 

my roommate took one for the team.

The wrong team...

"Ummmm, Joe Biden"

Boy: "The Vice President? OK..."

And then there's me...

The One Who Stayed Classy

"You stay classy San Diego."

This past weekend I worked for the San Diego Film Festival,

mainly stalking celebrities and tweeting about it 

(@sdfilmfestival)

but since my friend was the festival producer, 

she recruited me to do wide variety of jobs during the five days.

Due to my very embarrassing and awkward nature, 

I of course put my skills to great use in front of some

high profile people.

One of them being Judd Apatow

who we were honoring with a filmmaker award one of the nights...

Last minute, I was asked by my friend to be stage manager

(stage left...kind of a big deal considering there's only one stage left...)

That is where I got to interact with some pretty neat people 

before they went on to honor Judd.

One of those people being David Koechner

whom you may recognize from Anchorman as Champ Kind.

The One Who Ordered Diet

FLASHBACK FRIDAY

My roommates and I 
obviously do not have the best of luck with guys. 

But, I have good news this time!

FINALLY, one of my roommates found a nice guy! 

He is cute, polite and just a genuine person. 

Yes, they do exist at our school! 

Shocker, I know.

There was only one problem with this guy…
he ordered the wrong soda.

Say whaaaaa?!
Let me explain the breakdown of the date 
as told by my roommate-

"First we get into his car and there's no music! How awkward is that?!! 
So we just made random small talk but it got worse..."

With confused looks on our faces, 
my roommates and I waited to hear what happened next-

The One Who Humped My Car

I mean, at least it wasn't me...

You guessed it!

Alcohol was involved with this one.

But when is alcohol not involved in Relation-Shits?

The humping began earlier that night

at a popular piano bar called Howl at the Moon.

It was our friends birthday, the drinks were flowing,

the music was bumping and I was DD...

It really turned out to be the best thing

because I remember EVERYTHING

that everyone didn't want to.

And when I say everyone, 

I mean one person.

The Humper.

It began with buckets full of hard alcohol

and a chair.

The poor chair.

He just started humping it to the beat of the music.

Then he picked it up and started humping it more.

And then security had to step in and

ask him nicely to stop humping the chair.

But that wasn't the end of it.

The One Without Boundaries

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

This particular one involves my younger brother,
who has not learned the meaning of personal space or boundaries. 

So I guess with this situation it is a sibling-shit,

and when I say shit, I mean literally... 

I was brushing my teeth in our shared bathroom

and my brother walks in.

Pulls down his pants, 

And sits on the toilet. 

Tooth brush still in mouth I yell,   

"Are you taking a shit while I am in here brushing my teeth?!?!" 

My brother: 

"Yes, now can you please get out so I can have some privacy?" 

"What the hell?!?! That's disgusting! I'm brushing my teeth!" 

"Well you should have thought about doing that after I was done..." 

Trying to run out of the death trap as fast as I could,  

I ran to my room to tell my friend what just happened to me. 

Her response,

"Man I'm glad I don't have to live here..."

This is my life. 

A brother I have to live with who does not 

give a shit about my personal bubble.

Anyone looking for a roommate?

The One Who Made Out With My Forehead

This may be a little late...BUTTTT
FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

Yes, the title explains it all.

No, I did not see it coming.

Yes, alcohol was involved (on his part).

And no, that was not the only ridiculous thing he did that night.

Let me tell you a little about my friend- 

He is far from a ladies man but somehow he manages to get 

with a new girl at every party... 

Strange, I know. 
Boggles my mind.

Unfortunately for me, there were no single girls at 
my roommates 21st Birthday Bash. 

That left me as his target...

Ridiculous Moment #1:

Friend: "Ali, I'm going to talk to you about random things to

distract you from when I do this-" 

The One Who Could Not Stop Himself

There is something I have noticed about the dating game  

that reminds me a little too much of Chandler from Friends-

First, just watch this video to better understand what I'm talking about:

"Well this is great. I'll give you a call. We should do it again sometime."

"Are you going to call her?!"

"No!"

"I am weak and pathetic and I'm sorry!"

Here's the thing guys 

(and girls because lesbihonest, we do it too), 

if you don't plan on actually following through with what you're telling someone, 

DON'T SAY IT TO THEM!

You're just trying to be nice and we don't deserve that.

I have met a lot of guys who 

experience this thing called word vomit.

They don't think in the moment and they just say what they think you want to hear.

Here's the truth: 

I will not be hurt if you don't invite me to hang out with you,

but no one wants to be told you're interested in going on a date 

with them when you really have no intention of following through with it. 

Just be honest.

Don't lead anyone on and 

if you're not going to call them, don't tell them you will!

Thank you Friends for once again teaching us a valuable life lesson...

The One Who Ruined The First Date

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

Ever been shit-faced on a first date?

No? 
Well that makes one of us...

Who does that?! 

I mean really, why would you show your drunk ass bitch side
in front of a potential second date? 

Well, unfortunately I'm not as smart as I look,

(it's the glasses, I know, they're deceiving) 

and I had a little too much "fun" on a date a friend set me up on.

So this is how the story goes- 
My friend and his wife had the great idea to set me up with their friend 

because my love life basically consisted of relation-shits.

Advice for a first date:
Don't go to a beer festival followed by three bars. 

Drinking too much on the first date may cause you to do things 
you regret the next day. 

Just saying.

The One Who Was A Bitch

Don't worry, I'm not talking about you...

I'm talking about me!

I'll admit it. 

I can be a bitch sometimes. 

I think everyone has their moments and their breaking points, 
but not everyone is willing to accept it and say 
"Hey, I'm being a bitch."

So here I am, 
letting you all know- 
I'm a bitch.

But I am so much more than that...
and I think Meredith Brooks said it best-

The One Who Kidnapped Me

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

At my college, we have the ever so wonderful ratio of 

70% female and 30% male students. 

Being the straight female that I am, 
it leaves little wiggle room in my dating pool.

But luck was on my side last year when I found myself a man, 
I mean a boy...

I admired him from afar in my Philosophy class and 

thanks to my charming personality, he was doing the same. 

We all know what the next step is after determining there's a spark.
 You make the friendship Facebook official!

This all basically lead up to our first date. 

Make that our ONLY date.